This time last summer, I was tiny and felt beautiful, making videos, dancing, road tripping, smoking weed and creating. I was also dating a man who reminded me of Tarzan and whom I thought was the tastiest man alive…he didn’t really appreciate me the way I did him, but still I felt “alive” then…and summer felt like summer.
It’s amazing what can change in one year.
This summer feels like a mix between fall and June gloom. I’m certainly not tiny, in fact I weigh more than I ever have, though I do glow and some days I feel beautiful but that’s not even thanks to me. Videos have been hard to make because I’ve been internalizing so much that I’m too exhausted to actually share about what it is that I’ve been going through. I’m also single and I don’t believe I’ve gone dancing one time this summer. I love dancing. Who knows when the next time that’ll be…I hope soon. I’ve turned down road trips, even the ones to Portland because I just have too much going on in the inside…and the most surprising difference between this summer and last is not that I’m not smoking weed, but rather the reason I’m not smoking weed.
I’m currently a little over 8 months pregnant. Alone.
Summer doesn’t feel like summer, because summer is light and airy and I’ve been feeling emotionally and spiritually heavy with hardly any room to breathe, no breaths left to take for anything that doesn’t involve my pregnancy and my baby, which has proven to be the ultimate spiritual practice.
My days consists of 3 mile walks, dates (sadly only the kind you eat), green smoothies, potent pregnancy tea, amazon, yoga, meditation, lots of praying, and tons of fiber.
I miss summer romances and that feeling of “aliveness.” That sense of “freedom” of “light” and “airy.”
You see I’m very well aware of the blessing that God has given me, this life I’ve been carrying for 8 months, I mean I am 100 percent certain that in fact God has blessed me with the greatest gift that the Universe can bless one with. This I know for sure. However the desire for love and romance has in fact only intensified now that I’m 8 months pregnant, without a partner to cheer me along.
You see I never asked for this, never imagined this, and it certainly wasn’t ever my dream job to be a single mother…however that seems to be the route God is taking me on. What’s more is, when I found out I was pregnant, I specifically told God, “I don’t want to be a single mother! I’ll accept this gift and have this baby, but not if you’re going to make me be a single mother!”
And so God, having the sense of humor that he has, made it seem like that wouldn’t be the case by giving me a daughter whos father who has proven to be…well full of shit. Her father specifically told me “I’m here for you, don’t worry you won’t have to do this alone, you won’t be a single mother.”
Yet here I am, alone. Sleeping alone. Going to appointments alone. Walking 3 miles a day alone. Planning and preparing, alone. Facing all the emotional and spiritual upheavals that come with being a new Mother, alone.
Daddy? Well he’s running and hiding like a little mouse running from the paws of a lion cub, not realizing all the cub wants to do is play and bring him joy.
But see, God is funny because when I look at the course of my life, everything, everything, has led me and prepared me to be the most incredible and gifted single mother alive. However that still doesn’t mean that I asked for this. I mean who actually wants to bear and have a child alone?
Yes, I have family and friends, which Thank You God, but still…when I see other pregnant mothers with partners, I think, “Why cant I have that?! I’m worthy god damn it!”
*Sigh*
The only thing I can do, is trust and surrender. I know what will come of this will only make me stronger and more powerful than I’ve ever been, it already has, but for now I still find myself wanting companionship, mostly to be held…because there’s nothing more vulnerable than a woman transitioning into a Mother.
To be continued…
Brittany Sinkler 